I’m stressed. You probably could tell from my last entry. I don’t want to turn this blog into a whine fest, but it is my personal blog, and personally I am stressed. So are most people in my classes.
Stress does strange things to people. My eating habits are completely thrown off. I can recall 3 times in the last week when I’ve sat down to eat something. I’m a vegetarian again, but it’s really more like I’m a carbitarian, or a sugaritarian since I haven’t actually had any veggies lately.
Even worse (somehow) are my sleeping patterns. I usually enjoy sleeping from about 9pm until 6:30am. That’s pretty much the sleep range I need to be well-rested, and I enjoy waking up early, otherwise I feel as if I have wasted my day.
Being this stressed changes this, however. I am now not getting to bed until about 11-ish. Then, I lay there and cannot get comfortable. My bed, although it is a newish mattress with a memory foam cover that is only about 6 months old, feels like a plywood board. My joints are so stiff that they hurt, and sometimes I feel like crying from the mild pain. Once the tears start, and I throw a pity party in my head, there’s not much to keep me from crying a little while longer. The upside of this is that it eventually tires me out and I fall asleep.
But then, there are the nightmares. After a the first few, Jenny suggested sleeping with a stuffed animal. So, I took my bear, G.G, whom I have had for my whole life, down from the shelf where he has sat since I re-did my room over the summer, and curled up with him. I’m the type of person that will cuddle anything (my former roomies once got me to cuddle Gwobs’ gross socks– I held them for dear life even though I was fast asleep). So, I cuddled up with my bear, and it worked! Well… for a few days.
Now, I’m back to the nightmares, even when clinging to my stuffed friend. The nightmares usually revolve around death. In high school I used to dream of my guy friends going off to fight in World War 2, and I’d watch them die while helpless in Canada. Last semester, I had a dream where my friend, Shawn, was in the hospital and died of heart failure. This last week and a bit, it’s been all over the board, from deaths of former friends to one of my instructors. I wake up terrified, and I do not sleep well for the rest of the night, and I am exhausted.
I am trying to chill. I downloaded a whole lot of instrumental pieces from some of my favourite composers, so I can just relax and zone out and feel something other than the choking fear that I am failing at everything.
I’m sorry Aisling. Stress is killer, especially when it’s something that really really matters to you that stresses you. For the first two years of going back to school, I couldn’t sleep well, or eat well, either. Nothing seemed to help. Everything was just so packed for time that I wasn’t able to just stop and breathe. I don’t presume to know what will work for you. There are many things to try, and you probably have tried them all already. Maybe going out for a good time with your friends from school, the ones who will understand what you’re going through, might help. One night of true relaxation, one night to forget, to have a good time … maybe it will help. You’ll be back to the cycle again the next day, but you’ll remember what it’s like to not be stressed, and possibly a little more energized for the work ahead of you. It sounds like you could really use the break.
Hang in there.
Wow. I’m actually up this early (it’s about 6:45 am as we speak), because I woke up from a terrible nightmare. My boyfriend and a lot of my cousins/guy friends were being shot to death, and before the “shoot-out”, I remember just being at a park or walking around at night, feeling constantly TERRIFIED (this was all in the dream).
Anywho, what happened in the dream was not as important as what has been going on in my life as of late. School is slowly killing me on the inside. I feel like I’m overwhelmed with work, and I’m not fully invested in it. A part of me has realized that I don’t want to continue with my current Masters any more. I don’t have anywhere to vent; as supportive as caring as my boyfriend is, there are always some things he’s not going to get. Some things I tell to my best friend, and he’s a dear, but I feel like I am lacking in so many areas of life. I’ve distanced myself from many of my casual friends, and my other friends have drifted as well – so when I *do* talk to someone, I don’t feel like the same person I was before (and sometimes evolution is a good thing, if you embrace it — but I am so confused to even acknowledge what works and doesn’t work for me). I don’t even blog anymore… so that’s a community I’m no longer a part of.
I guess the point of this rambling and somewhat incoherent entry is to let you know that you are not alone. You’re very strong, Ling! You will pull through this
Take care.
Aww, Ling.
Hopefully these dreams will ease up when you’re a bit less stressed! Luckily the end of the year isn’t TOO far away, so you’ll be able to have a break pretty soon.
I hope things get better! Nightmares are seriously horrible. I love sleep, but when all you have to look forward to is nightmare after nightmare, it’s way less fun. Maybe if you ate a little better it would help with your sleeping habits? I don’t know how much an effect it would have, but I’ve heard that eating pickles before bed can give you nightmares… so maybe it would help?
in college, i started having random nightmares too. never had this problem. then i realized they were happening *because* i was stressed. i found that a glass of wine helped at times. and giving myself some down time (even a little bit) *before* going to sleep, instead of working right up until bedtime. then my mind had to get rested just so i could fall asleep. it’s different for everyone, but it sucks either way.
also, exercise. i suck at keeping a routine but i know when i’ve been running every day, i sleep better. not just because it tires me out but the hormones calm me down, also.
good luck.